The Malort Report

Tweets from the Nemesis twitter by our court stenographers documenting the best tradition ever.

2015

Just 24 minutes until we begin #malortcourt… GET READY
Defense attorney, Kim Streff. That’s correct, there are no pants here in #malortcourt, or else it is a mistrial. http://t.co/OrQFeM4qqB

What our defendants will be sworn in on. #malortcourt http://t.co/NmnNgtsnBK

CARGO SHORTS were seen in appearance here at #malortcourt by the only gentleman here. “TAKE THEM OFF” chants ensue. Colton agrees.
Honorable Judge Beef has just entered the courtroom. First to read the docket. http://t.co/jxego3F2rg

First is Kim v. Miller. Charge is for “sending an ugly picture of me to the GroupMe.”
Second is a class action lawsuit against Jackie &; Dyer. Infraction: Sleeping at dinner, violating common etiquette laws.
The rest to come in due time. #malortcourt
Kim v. Miller, the Case of the Ugly Picture. Miller: “Objection! Kim’s the public defender, she can’t defend me!”
Bailiff would like to know what picture we’re talking about.
Here is Exhibit A of Miller’s “ass-ugly” faces while playing. #malortcourt http://t.co/IxmPbYlVKM

The Judge Honorable Beef has spoken. This “ass ugly” photo will be the GroupMe’s avatar for 48 hours.
Miller response to Malort: cough cough
Oh shoot. Nobody was sworn in. RETRIAL. DO OVER. MULLIGAN.
Swearing on the 11th edition. “I’m not sure what to say now.” #malortcourt http://t.co/i33L9Tgds4

“They both look like liars but I’m going to defend them anyway.” Shady, eh?
Please state your name for the court. “Jacqueline Lai.” Is that your real last name? courtroom: “not Li?”
“Am I boring you? Do you find this team boring?” IT’S A TRAP! Dyer: “Not everyone.” Honorable Judge Beef: “They sound guilty.”
But the funny thing is that your actions seem to suggest that you do! Is it true that at dinner that you two fall asleep.
Jackie says, “No.” Dyer says, “I was just closing my eyes. For 10 minutes.”
Do you have a dry eye condition that necessitates 10 minutes of eye closing?
We don’t know law. “Google it.” #malortcourt
Public defender moving to disbar Meagles, Prosecutor. “I’d like to move to NOT.” #malortcourt
Judge is now a witness.
Counsel taking sidebar. Tennessee has to take a shot of malort for disrespect of #malortcourt’s start time.
TN: “It’s like a batch of flies sitting on a dirty diaper.” #malortcourt
Counsel sidebar: “We’ve come to a settlement.” Witnesses: “Wait, we didn’t get to defend ourselves.” Judge: “You guys are totally guilty.”
Punishment: They have to drink @MonsterEnergy in a corner until the next trial can start.
Convo b/w pub. defender &; prosecutor: “It was great working with you again.” “You know what, bc of that, I’ll just let you win the next.”
Reminder: Bailiff must be flexing the entire time and have a heavy accent.
I’m just telling them to not be idiots to move things along.
Ok, focus. You’re in a court of law-ish.
Sur v. Patrice &; Hu for missing their flights to Colorado Cup up next.
What are your personal organizational skills? “I don’t have any.”
You do know that you’re on this team? And you do know that you’re to be attending our tournaments?
Defense’s witness: And how did you guys get here this weekend? An airplane. Can you explain more about this airplane.
@ashure: “Please state your name for the court” “Alexandra Hu” @allhailcsur: FALSE IT’S QING @ChicagoNemesis #malortcourt
Objection: defense is like totally holding their hands. Your honor, they kind of need hand holding. Judge: I agree.
Your honor, I’d like to cross examine the witnesses. Even though this isn’t how it really works, the Judge would like to see how this goes.
This smartphone - does your phone have a calendar app? an inbox email? do you have both of these things? #malortcourt
Then it is fair to say that you are in all of the tools to know when you’re flight departs! AND YET STILL! You managed to miss your flight!!
AND BY YOUR OWN ADMISSION YOU CAN’T EVEN KEEP TRACK OF WHEN THINGS ARE DUE
and just because I really like saying this, I REST MY CASE!
do you, or do you not, have teammates that could have helped you?? Hadel: I FUCKING TRIED.
Judge Beef: We have this group called the “pups,” that didn’t help their brethren, even knowing their inabilities to get on the flights.
Therefore, ALL of the pups, must take a shot of malort. We need 4 shots for the pups and 1 for the alpha dog.
Due to a previous agreement, the Alpha Dog of the pup litter will be shotgunning a beer instead.
Hadel: Congratulations, ladies, the nemepups die tonight. #ripYIP
It’s like liquid turf burn. It tastes like Beef’s wig. Gasoline. It tastes like I got shampoo in my mouth, which happens a lot by the way.
#yipyipYIKES
Next case: Allie v. Dobby, infraction: having four QBs in fantasy.
This has expanded to a class action suit.
Would you please state your name for the court? Dobby.
Could you tell me how fantasy football works? Honestly, no.
From the jury: “Meagles, do YOU know how fantasy works?” No, that’s why I asked. YOUR HONOR, She’s eating!
Did you know that that was not something you do? To be honest, I didn’t know that either.
I’m going to say that you’re a good girl and that you just wanted to have fun. Sidebar.
Why did you pick these QBs? They were attractive? SHE PICKED PEYTON MANNING .
Did it affect your teammates negatively? Or did it affect you negatively?
This is a kind-hearted teammate, who just wanted to help out her teammates! And get a little something on the side.
It’s confirmed that she’s not guilty, but she will take a half-shot because it’s Dobby. #friendshot
Our loser in fantasy will take the ACT. Dobby, get studying.
Dobby getting flexed in http://t.co/gS1cMXdcDl

The court will now here the team v. Jackie for forgetting the HDMI cord, again.
Isn’t this double jeopardy? No such thing in #malortcourt.
Do you swear to tell the whole truth, the LOOK AT ME I do. You closed your eyes when you said that, I’m not sure if I believe you.
Can you tell me how this team garnered strategy before tournaments? From Beef. What does Beef do to get strategy. She watches stuff.
When you were little, a child, did your mother ever take you someplace special?
Your honor, I’d like to point out this is a waste of the court’s resource. She was found guilty last year.
Is there a reason that the defense can defend before I’m done prosecuting?
Did your mother ever promise your something growing up? Do you remember being horrifically disappointed when someone didn’t follow through?
Objection: Your childhood has nothing to do with your adulthood.
On the verge of tears: I would argue that your childhood has everything to do with your adulthood. Counsel, we’ve talked about this.
Can I have some skittles?
#malortcourt is separate from all other jurisdictions. There is no law that we can’t try Jackie again for the same crime!
Therefore, we’d like Jackie to take another shot of malort. Half shot. Three-quarters shot.
Abby Shure has been officially inducted into the Resting Bitch Face.
To commemorate, the RBF club has an Abby RBF cake. http://t.co/qekiRVkiCO

Let the record show that Jackie’s malort shot tasted like poop.
@PulledDisc: It is easier to understand whatever the expletive #malortcourt thing @ChicagoNemesis is doing on twitter than @ESPN3 semis coverage
We would periscope, but you know, ESPN rights.
Now we will hear Nemesis v. Anne for excessive celebration. And politeness.
@madiwerb: @ChicagoNemesis Let the record show that the @wildwestjanes love you guys right now ❤️❤️#jltl #nemelove #dammitpatrice
Before I swear you in, I’d like to express my personal disappointment, b/c I was the one who threw the huck &;I wanted you to be in the EZ.
Are you disappointed in me or in you? I’m not sure.
Before I let the prosecutor badger my witness, I’d like to call in my social worker. I think we may have an insanity case.
What is your name? Anne Hemmelgarn. Are you insane? Do you have a diagnosed mental illness? Yes.
Who is your doctor? Allie Fish. No, Kristol. Wait, I’m confused. We may have a case here.
I’m going to ignore all claims of your insanity because this is how I get my paycheck. That’s not fair.
Can you tell me how the game of ultimate is played? Public defender: just sit down and start crying / be confused
Does she look confused? http://t.co/g51rUuX2qV

Reenactment done by social worker, Allie Fish. WOOOOOOOOOOOO YAHHHHHHHH.
The court has come to a decision. We find Anne AND Colton guilty. Why? Not sure. But it doesn’t help that you’re not wearing pants.
Anne on malort: “minty. licorice.” She’s crazy. Insane. #malortcourt
Kim, that defense did not work! But it was really funny.
Next up, the case of The Team vs. Tennessee James.
Meagles: I need to recuse myself because he is my husband, so I’d like to be the defense on this case.
Please state the charges. The defendant is unaware of the charges. Can you tell us what you were doing on April 19th or 20th of this year?
Well I was working in the basement… Oh is that what we’re calling it?
Well, while you were “working in the basement”, was anyone else there with you?
Maybe.
Could you clarify? And who was there with you? Was it Meagles? It might have been. I have a hard time remembering.
Let’s say for a sec that it WAS meagles and you were “working” in the basement.
And now, 6 months later, huh, well I’d like to call a witness now.
Meagles, can you please take the stand?
I’d like the witness to remove her sport coat. She is not wearing pants. And I’d like to point out she was not wearing pants in the basement
And what is going on in there? I’m creating a future neme-player.
And what were you doing in the basement? Working? I prefer, “playing”
The Court finds it necessary for you to take a shot for impregnating a player!! #malortcourt
So do we find him guilty?
On malort: It’s like chewing rubber.
Large case coming up. Class action. Several complaints filed. The Team v. Risa (again). #recidivism
Risa! No puppy dog face!
I KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE TO HAVE A CASE THAT DOESN’T CHANGE.
Can you please state your name for the court? Puppy dog face. WE WILL HOLD YOU IN CONTEMPT.
Will you tell us the joke I said at lunch? Ok, but what if the entire team just poof disappeared.
How would you share this joke with the team? Do you have any sort of technology? I’m not really good with technology.
Japanese is my second language. The Japanese love technology!
Ok, but when you heard the joke on Southwest, how did you tell us? They don’t let Peter Pan on Southwest b/c he never never lands.
OH and it’s in the groupme! So you use the groupme to tell a joke!
Wait, but Kim used the groupme to tell a riddle. But that was team related. Well, mine was too. We took Southwest… to nationals…
Do you know anyone else who violated the groupme? In my defense, I took screenshots of people who also violated the groupme, too.
Let me count. “1, 2, 3, 4, 5,…. and that was only partial of it.” “ESL guys”
Let’s hear the actual violations of the groupme.
Risa has just brought evidence against JJ &; Carol. #crap #dammit #ISTANDWITHRISA
Risa, repeat offender, everyone’s groupme infraction extraordinaire. But, there were violators because the rulebook that was not presented.
Because we live in a lawless society. #malortcourt
JJ would like to blame @tweetsbytots
We would like to have Risa take a single shot, but go on to prosecute the REASON why we did not know what would cause infractions.
Repeat offenders ought to be tried with a more serious punishment. A shot nad a half.
Risa wants to share with her best friend. Nope. Dyer not having it. DOWN IN ONE. DOWN IN ONE.
Risa on Malort: Well, it smells good.
JJ, because you’re going to anyway, can you take the next 30 seconds to tell us how awesome your college team was @UMichFlywheel
I feel like I’m getting badgered.
To discuss @UMichFlywheel on the stand would incriminate me because the groupme handbook originated with Flywheel.
@VickiChang28 and @kgoblue42 were constant perpetrators of the GroupMe. They would send long texts. They violated pretty much every rule.
The rulebook was created by myself and Rebecca C. Moore.
And when you joined Nemesis (in 2013), was there a GroupMe that everyone was on? Well, it wasn’t active.
Why did we start the groupme? To disseminate important information.
So in 2013, you sent out the handbook so everyone would know how to use the groupme. No.
Oh? Well, we were mostly scared of everyone on the team. So we really just talked to each other.
So never in 2013, did you ever reference the groupme handbook rules? That’s a f***ing lie!! You weren’t on the 2013 GroupMe! Ok, rewind.
That was a f***ing lie. Your honor, we’re living in a lawless society.
Wait, judge, @tweetsbytots promised to update the handbook for Nemesis. And then @tweetsbytots left, so I can’t fully be blamed.
Also, @tweetsbytots owns the rights to the google handbook.
I do believe that is the end of #malortcourt.
Wait, what happened to Beef’s charge for trespassing. Ohh… we don’t have enough time.
Can you confirm that my apartment was sparsely decorated &; lacking of a feminine touch? She lives in a tent. Her “apartment” was an AirBNB
What happened to Carol’s infraction? Well, in a lawless society, some things slip through the crack.
And with that, #malortcourt is adjourned until 2016. Now, we are off to cheer on our boys @MachineUltimate in the semis! #rowdygirls


2016

The citizens of NemeWorld have spoken. Indictments have been made and to get to a sweet 16, play in games are underway. #malortcourt
We have 16 Risa (public indecency &; corruption) vs. 17 Swaggy P (never fucking pulling her pants up). Who will move on? #malortcourt
15 Bradley (for excessive use of #jacksheyisbae) vs 18 Dobby (disorderly conduct &; gratuitous bidding) #malortcourt
We feel that the people should maybe have a say in this too. No promises your say will mean anything. Guess that’s how #malort court goes.
@RisaLisa26 @jenni_jean93 Risa! We all know that #malortcourt is a fair and just institution. Never rigged, never made up!
thanks for all the #sizzlereels @FulcrumPro! ❤️ (any chance you’ve got a spotify playlist of the songs from all of them? they’re great!)
TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT.
NEMMY’S AWARD SHOW. MALORT COURT. ALL IN ONE NIGHT. OMG.
For those in Chicago, join us for the #Nemmys After-Party @Zella_Chicago (1983 N. Clybourn). Doors open to the public at 10PM.
If you’re lucky (and on time), you may catch the end of #MalortCourt… see justice live and in action!
Speaking of which, @kurtegibson, FYI you may be a key witness in one of our cases &; called to the stand. Please be available at any moment.
Prosecutor has arrived. #malortcourt starting shortly. Hold on to the edge of your seats. Grab some popcorn. It’s going to be a good show.
Confirmed. Prosecutor still does not wear pants in #malortcourt.
ALL RISE. Honorable Judge Sara Miller entering the courtroom.
“do we clap?” #malortcourt
“I am seated.” #malortcourt
First, we call our first defendant, Spitz, or her representation.
MC, brave soul, is now getting flexed in.
I am here on behalf of Spitz. SHe didn’t know the event was happening tonight. She’s been charged with the case of ignorance.
That’s a difficult thing to be charged with, because ignorance is unknowing. SO HOW WAS SHE SUPPOSED TO KNOW SHE WAS BEING CHARGED?
i believe she should be reconsidered BECAUSE of her ignorance. Think about it. #malortcourt
Side bar - I think generally prosecution goes first, but I guess defense is starting first.
Ignorance is bliss. I would rather live in a situation in that, where she’s working so hard to know other things &; be ok not knowing stuff
Prosecutor Meagles: thank you for proving my case. But I’d like to call a witness and that witness is myself.
Swearing in on @USAUltimate’s 11th edition rules #malortcourt
.@Meagles000: “So I’m a bit of a celebrity and it turns out one of my own teammates didn’t know I was a celebrity.”
Objection: Leading the witness!!!
Response: I mean, just talk a little bit.
Objection! Relevance! Overruled.
“I was really disturbed to find that the circle of ppl I love the most… someone managed to still not know who I was.”
.@Meagles000 is currently questioning herself. “It can be tough living in the public eye. I often get stopped at Whole foods.”
“I think she should take a shot of malort and video it for all of us to remember forever.”
MC is now questioning @Meagles000, “can you restate your name for the court, as you already have done?”
“But you should know who I am, because I am a celebrity.”
“I rest my case.” “That was confusing.” “Guilty as charged.”
MC’s take on #malort: “Dirty Laundry.”
Next case. The People v. Risa for the usual crime of abusing the groupme. Getting flexed in now.
Ma’am is someone representing you? Allie might.
“Can I first say that I love @Meagles000?” “STOP BUYING THE COURT.”
Defendant’s counsel: “less is more… less is more!”
Prosecution: It seems that we find ourselves in this situation every year…
Are you aware of the phrase “a stitch in time saves nine?” No.
Can you tell us how many shots you took the first year of #malortcourt? Zero.
IT seems that #malortcourt was derelict in administering justice, as abuses continue.
Can you tell us why you’re here on the stand today? Maybe, I mean yes.
Apparently I asked, “What’s your paypal?” To whom? To Emily Hadel.
So you used the direct message function to ask Hadel for her paypal? Objection! Relevance! Overruled.
Yes. I mean No.
So you asked a question to a single person across allllllll of groupme. Everyone saw that question. Yes…. Ah.
It is my believe that if we charged Risa for her infractions that we would not be in this situation today.
Risa: I don’t think my infraction was the same in 2014!
Smiliest defendant https://t.co/k2vuIMSTGT

Risa: puppy dog face
Risa’s defense, Allie FIsh: “So you did write this message to Emily Hadel to the whole groupme. What was the purpose?”
I don’t really care about the purpose. I really just want Risa to take a shot of #malort. Definitely not an unbiased stenographer here.
Defense rests its case. Prosecution calls Emily Hadel to the stand.
Ms. Hadel, were you about to go into debt? No. So Risa trying to help you not go into debt is a falsehood.
Hadel terse, concise, professional https://t.co/KJDTvFBuyo

Some unclear questions here. Which tend to lead to unclear answer. Defense: “she doesn’t know!”
Do you have multiple email addresses? No.
Wait, you don’t have multiple email addresses? No. What about work? No. Dammit Risa.
Risa back on the stand. Can you say, honestly, that you can contain yourself next year? no response I rest my case!
And the crowd goes wild
Risa found guilty for her infraction, particularly for being a repeat offender.
Risa trying to sip malort right now. Bad idea.
Risa’s take: “it wasn’t bad for the first second, it was minty, but too minty?” Judge Miller: no….
Next up, JJ for Excessive Meme Creation #malortcourt
JJ here is defending herself. Guess no one wanted to defend her.
Do you know how many memes you sent to the team? Yes. 36.
I think it’s safe to say that more than half of memes on the groupme were from you. I would say that it is maybe potentially possible.
SWAG SENT ONE TWICE.
Evidence getting submitted to the court. How many is too many memes? So I google searched, “how many is too many?”
“…and you once memed twice in a row” 🔥🔥🔥
THe first result was from GQ UK about the number of sexual partners. If the court would allow me some leeway.
Objection: rambling.
I’m not sure where the prosecution is going with this GQ article.
If the court would allow me some more latitude…
I would like to replace the word “sex” with “memes” - Prosecution re-reads article with this replacement.
There are memes I regret. There are memes I am ashamed of. There are memes I cannot remember.
I ask you JJ, could you name all 36 of your memes?
THERE’S AN 80% CHANCE THAT I COULD. Go ahead.
IF YOU CAN’T NAME THEM, THEY ARE MEMES THAT YOU CAN’T REMEMBER.
JJ’s defense, is herself. She is questioning herself as the witness.
“Have you learned your lesson?” “Yes, no more memes from me.”
Prosecution: “SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP”
Judge: “Counsel, please approach the bench.”
Something’s happening. maybe a deal?! #malortcourt
Clean deal has been accepted. JJ will take 2 shots of something other than #malort.
THIS IS BLASPHEMY.
Apparently this is what defending yourself means these days https://t.co/RXXJ19oB3v

also punishing the Queen of Hearts, for excessive favorites. Abby’s gotta take a shot too.
Last case of the night. Fr the crime of ignorance of the acronym that is BAE.
Damn our biceps look good. #flexin
Bradley is defending herself for not knowing what bae meant, even with the excessive use of #jacksheyisbae
Oh btw, new hashtag! #SadlyBradley!
Overheard from the bartender: “A bunch of dudes would never do this. This is entertaining!”
Can you tell the court what you thought bae meant? #SadlyBradley
I thought it was short for “baby.” #SadlyBradley
What was the acronym for? “Before ANyone else.” Is that not a term of endearment? So you thought it was a term of endearment and it was!
You sent out a song for MILF money… can you explain what MILF is?
What does MILF stand for?
Mother I’d Like To……..
for the PG twitterverse…. Fondle. Yikes.
SO you’ve shown to the court that you’re really good at acronyms
Judge Miller seems in the defendant’s pocket https://t.co/pQYTB4HLfT

So BAE shouldn’t have been so difficult to understand
Defense is now citing a @TIME article about what BAE means. #SadlyBradley
This is the article, if you were wondering: https://t.co/CBHzSa5u2d
CASE DISMISSED.
Abby’s take: GASOLINE. Miller’s take: Rubber bands.
#MalortCourt is adjourned.


2017

Order! Order to the #MalortCourt. It’s beginning. We must thorougly prosecute such crimes to maintain a Nemeworld of peace &; fairness.
#MalortCourt Secretary Duff signing in…
Court is 28 min delayed and counting.. #MalortCourt
Judge Miller calls order in the court #MalortCourt
Sgnoles is first on the docket defending herself against apathetic warmup leading #MalortCourt
Prosecuting Attorneys Fish n’ Shure stepping in to question the defendant. Not looking good for Sgnoles…. “uhhhh…. up” #MalortCourt
Defending Attorney Li is calling, Skimberly Fiona, as a character witness #MalortCourt “Skim… don’t screw me.” - Sgnoles
Questioning the character of the character witness. I think we all see where this is going NO HELMET. NO SENSE… #MalorCourt
Prosecution offers a plea deal. Sgnoles looks panicked.. Judge Miller calls silence in the court to announce her final decision #MalortCourt
Win for the prosecution. Judge Miller sentences Sgnoles to the Up/Down rule and a shot of malort #MalortCourt
Next on the docket is Judge Miller herself (Judge Hadel stepping in) She’s being prosecuted for not joining the team throwing Slack channel
New evidence is being introduced. Miller has been shown to be asking outside the slack about workouts #timeIsPrecious #MalortCourt
Miller has been sentenced to a shot of malort! #MalortCourt
Next up is Risa. #isLikeIveNeverBeenHereBefore
#someGetThisGilrABeer #MalortCourt
#noButIAm #MalortCourt
Defending Attorney Daviess calling her first witness, KDO #OhFuckCalled #MalortCourt
Line of questioning by @bcdaviess seems questionable but Judge Miller allows it #layingTheFoundation #whereIsThisGoing
Risa trying to swear in a second time… #itsLikeShesNeverBeenHereBefore #MalortCourt
“She’s a repeat offender!” “BECAUSE IM ALWAYS CONFUSED” #nemewho
“I’ve got lots of witnesses to show I’m always confused” Risa pleads guilty #MalortCourt #bestDefenseIsNone #shots
This court is rowdy af #theJudgeIsDrunk
We got a citation for BIG BOOTY JUDY
This was a joint submission against @annaVthorn for sitting on the styrofoam cooler and breaking it.
An additional drinking ticket to Mons for only buying 4 @MonsterEnergy drinks for the entire TEAM. #crime
Citation for Sur for asking what candies should be included in the candy bracket and then NEVER HOLDING ONE. #FULLSHOT CHEERS ENSUE
Several citations have gone to KDO for not using the slack properly. But I will add, NO RULES NO CRIME.
Citations are great. People can’t defend themselves. #MalortCourt #IsntFair
Coach Hack is now called to the stand for not ever being on the NemeSlack.
Hack swearing in “Oh just the new testament. Good. cuz the old testament. I”m not down with that"
To Attorney Shure, “No offense.” #MalortCourt
“I hear you like twitter, is that true?” “Yes, that’s true.” “Can you read all the apps on your phone… ok you have Tumblr”
Jules agreeing emphatically that Slack is the team method of communicating #DoNotReplyAll
KDO defending Hack and killing it #howOldAreYou
“Risa, what do we talk about on the Slack?” #isThisARoast #MalortCourt
“I have a cloud but I can’t find it” - Coach @lindseyhack, ladies and gentlemen #GenX #Xtennials #MalortCourt #herNannyIsASoftwareEngineer
“Don’t tell me how to do my job” - Judge Miller #MalortCourt
“Motion to throw co-party under the bus” @carolli32 “JJ we need a Slack handbook” #tellThePeopleHowToLiveTheirLives
Plea deal offered to JJ of butterscotch liquor. Carol Li charged with a full sentence of a full shot of malort #MalortCourt
Sipp and Hadel on the stand for who knows what at this point.. #MalortCourt
They’re being charged for incorrect walking #MalortCourt #SippCanCountTo25
@carolli32 defending #Sipel motion to #takeItToTheStreets
Judge Miller - “I have to pee” #unannouncedRecess
Galaxy getting flexed in #MalortCourt
“How many people have you indicted to #MalortCourt?” #irrelevant
Prosecutor Fish, “I have to pee” #thisCourtIsDrunk #MalortCourt
Judge Miller “Get to the point” #MalortCourt
Moral of this story, #OPP is corrupt #MalortCourt
CAN WE MAKE A RULING ALREADY?!? #teamShots #MalortCourt
“Just give her the shot. idk.” -DJ Dye Dogg #DaiquiriDeck
“I would like to abstain… I am drunk.” #expertWitness @_csur #MalortCourt
“Poor my shot” #Sipel
#MalortCourt is now adjourned


2018

Emergency Hearing in #MalortCourt https://t.co/tdVlKSCX5o

Bringing #magicmightymadMon to court. “I can’t be there on Saturday night” is no excuse for #MalortCourt.
Two charges against Mons: Count 1 for stating “I have never had malort before” — guilty
Count two: FOR LEAVING NATIONALS EARLY AND CANT PARTY W HER TEAM “Why do you play the sport of ultimate?” “Because I love my teammates” “OH, Interesting. When someone loves someone, do you enjoy spending time with them?” GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY https://t.co/8d1u40DB2M

Continuance for later tonight. Follow us for the 2018 edition of #MalortCourt. We don’t tolerate shenanigans here and you will be held accountable. #guilty #guilty # guilty
While #malortcourt is in recess, want to take a second to s/o my neme-teammates for a wonderful season. You ladies are an inspiration and it’s been a pleasure. (Please don’t make me malort…) 😈❤️
@PhillyAMP Who made this sign let’s take them to #malortcourt
@rprasad5: @ChicagoNemesis cheering section this AM! https://t.co/MNigCJpG3T
Rips*…. autocorrect, amiright?
@PhillyAMP: @ChicagoNemesis I want to go to #malortcourt
#MalortCourt is a court of vengeance, not a court of justice. Puhlease.
ALL RISE for the Honorable Judge Sara Miller. #MalortCourt
Prosecutors Allie &; Abby: We thought that our legal cases weren’t enough last year. This year, we have citations as well. And you can’t argue them. So tough.
Real quick s/o to Mons for taking two malort shots before 11am this morning.
Multiple citations against Cassie: #1. Thinks she’s good at parallel parking, enters vehicle front first. #2. NOT WEARING A BIKE HELMET. Cassie, we know you’re studying abroad rn. Get ready for the Nemmy’s. We will get you.
court stenographer carol li is called up for citation… standby steno jj on the twitter
carol cited for doing keg stands and shotgunning beers without nemesis #partycarol #shesguilty
For THORN, for not coming to pod
this is jj again, carol got another citation for leaving ESC early even though she already had a job #antipartycarol
Square drinks her malort without hearing her charge. She knows she’s guilty.
Ok big case #1 coming up. Nemesis v. Anna &; JJ. Overarching charge: lack of professionalism. The entire D line has been called up as witnesses. We are not flexing them each in individually.

Ok big case #1 coming up. Nemesis v. Anna &; JJ. Overarching charge: lack of professionalism. The entire D line has been called up as witnesses. We are not flexing them each in individually.
Our prosecutors tonight for #MalortCourt https://t.co/rAX13vA0C2

“Have you ever heard the use of a pet name at practice?” Let the record show “YEA” was answered across the board. #MalortCourt
JJ, co-defendant #1 called up to the stand. “How long have you been dating this person on Nemesis?” “Well that’s a complicated question.” Oh boy someone is in trouble!!!
“Well this situation could have been avoided if we weren’t on the same line.” Prosecutor Abby: “And exactly what situation are we talking about” GOT ’EM!!!!! #MalortCourt
Defendants are ready to present their defense. They are first calling Risa to the stand. INTERESTING MOVE. YIKES. I personally would just take the guilty plea. #MalortCourt
JJ: “Risa, have I ever called you ‘Risa babe’ on the field” “yes.” JJ: “Beth, has Anna ever called you ‘Bethie-babe’ on the field?” “Yes.”
Anna has now presented the 14th Amendment’s Equal Protection Clause. DAMN SHE HAS A CASE. YIKEESSSS
OH AND JJ JUST THREW ANNA UNDER THE BUS FOR NEVER BEING ABLE TO HEAR HER NAME ON THE FIELD
The judge has deliberated. One shot of malort each. Precedent set: Don’t use pet names @ prac.
Second round of citations up now. Risa up first. Something about picking out dances we can’t learn because they’re too complicated.
MK taking a shot for this nemewho: “I was kind of a big deal in college.” Yeah, that was her. @fightingfetuses #MalortCourt
Next citation for Skim hurting herself in IM VOLLEYBALL RIGHT BEFORE NATIONALS @NUTultimate @GungHoUltimate how could you let this happen. But it’s ok she got a massive layout D today and I’m so proud of her and she’s just fine. #MalortCourt
Someone hurt Hadel’s feelings and that is NOT OK WHO DID IT I’M GONNA FIND YOU #MALORTCOURT
Case #2. Nemesis v. Liz, for always being late and having no repercussions. “Well, #MalortCourt, that is the repercussion.”
oh no there’s some drama prosecutor allie v. prosecutor abby. this is great. pass the popcorn.
Captain Sipp called to the stand to establish when most practices begin and what the expectations are. It is expected that we have sunscreened, taped, eaten, pooped, everything. #MalortCourt
Schram flexed in as a witness. “Can you tell us what your role was on Nemesis?” “I was a practice player.” real quick snaps for prac players real quick snaps for mon’s two shots of malort real quick snaps for sipp’s endzone d real quick snaps for foster’s bingoals
Schram was injured on August 12th (her bday, sad, but don’t you forget it). But post-injury, it has been established that 85% of the time, she arrives at practice at 8:45 because practice starts at 9, 85% of the time. She was always at practice on time, despite injury.
Liz on the stand now. I don’t know why we’re questioning her. Look at her. She looks guilty. But maybe everyone looks guilty here in #MalortCourt.
Liz, I’d just take the shot. Your case don’t look good.
Oh but here we are. We’re still questioning. “What are the qualities of a good teammate.” “Well, they are welcoming.” “But how do you welcome someone if you’re not there?” “Well, they should be welcoming me when I arrive.” A point has been made.
Liz attempts to present her defense “It’s Lizness time.” Judge won’t allow it. But Liz proceeds anyway. Because #MalortCourt has no order.
Liz calls Sipp to the stand. “What time were we supposed to be cleated and ready for the biggest tournament of our season?” “7:45” “Was everyone ready and cleated at 7:45?” MIC DROP OMG THE PROSECUTION’S CASE IS FALLING APART
Jessi called to the stand. Liz: “Do you think that I should have had to have watched you participate in 4-lines drill?” Jessi: “If I have to participate in 4-lines, I think you have to watch.” #WorthATry #MalortCourt
Liz has appeared to sway the jury. Also some points were made that I can’t share here. OMG.
Liz serves her punishment, but she also brings up a few other teammates who were late through the #honorsystem. HAHHHHHh there’s no honor system at #MalortCourt y’all fell for it.
Citation for Abby: For all you did right, you did one (huge) wrong. In organizing rides back to the airport, you FORGOT Captain Sipp, but left a spot for “a boy?” (Yiding?). Unbelievable. @MachineUltimate
Jenni taken to #MalortCourt FOR FREAKING FORGETTING HER CLEATS TO THE BIGGEST TOURNAMENT OF THE YEAR R U KIDDIN ME
Sipp taken to #MalortCourt for having the WORST practice attendance of the season!!! Wow, this was a huge power move. N.B. she did attend like pretty much everything else.
Jessi taken to #MalortCourt for…… liking malort?!?!?! what a weirdo.
And final citation to (Darling Diva) DANGER DANKS for LOSING HER CLEATS almost twice, but definitely once. Thanks @oshadega and @ndultimate and @carolli32 for getting them back to her. #MalortCourt
Final (I think) case of the night. O-line vs. Christina Sur.
Prosecutor: Sur. How are you feeling? Body-wise. Sur: Like complete ass. Prosecutor: Who taught you how to ride a bike? Sur: My dad.
P: When your dad taught you how to ride a bike, what protective gear did he have you wear? Sur: Helmet, knee pads, wrist guards… P: And why do you think your dad had you wear all this protective gear, just for looks? Sur: There are a lot of cute pics of me.
P: Sur, can you ride your bike with no hands? Sur: Yes…. as long as there are not potholes. It should be noted that Chicago streets are… not in the best condition.
Injuries sustained by Sur while not wearing a helmet while biking and deciding to save her coffee and flip over her bike handlebars when approaching a pothole while biking. Kids following at home, wear a helmet &; also maybe shoulder pads and knee pads while biking. Safety first!!
P: Ok. How are you hamstrings feeling? Sur: Not great. P: Do you play kickball during your nemesis season? Sur: While playing kickball, was your hamstring injured? Did your hamstring injury affect your ability to practice?
Sur, literally, the jury is telling you to plead the 5th.
Sur: “Is now the time I’m supposed to plead insanity?”
Oh, prosecution’s case has taken a new turn. If kickball injured your hamstrings, and you actively recruited other teammates to play on your kickball team, you actively endangered your teammates. #KickballGate #MalortCourt
Sur is going to attempt to make her case thru an insanity plea for making dumb choices over the past 4 seasons. Some advice: “Talk less, smile more” #MalortCourt
“I think you’re confusing insanity and stupidity” Zing.
Finally. Sur’s closing statement: “Can I just take my shot?” YES THX FINALLY #MalortCourt
And that wraps up #MalortCourt for 2018. Prosecution has rested their cases against all guilty parties. There’s no bias here, except that everyone is guilty. We will find you, always. Love, #MalortCourt.

PT II

the flexing in. #malortcourtpt2 https://t.co/I50XyBh6KA

first citation: telling everyone she was good at parallel parking but entered the space forward first
second citation: not wearing helmet while biking with headphones in
the defendant may get to choose her punishment???? https://t.co/xuuhIf8iW5
a shot of malort, ORRRR the defendant gets to eat the beans from beanboozled. counsel has approached the bench https://t.co/zhyO4TaELv
takes the shot. says it tastes like burnt rubber https://t.co/lA3nswwTcO
OMG malort court plea: cassie can either eat all the beanboozled beans by 11 pm OR learn a new @TheFitMarshall dance before 11 pm (that we do not already know as a team) and dance at 11 pm!!!
THE DEFENDANT HAS SELECTED LEARNING A NEW @TheFitMarshall DANCE AT 11 PM
stay tuned, obviously this will be recorded. #malortcourt #justice


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