The Malort Report
- 2019/27/04
- 29 min read
Tweets from the Nemesis twitter by our court stenographers documenting the best tradition ever.
2015
| Just 24 minutes until we begin #malortcourt… GET READY |
| Defense attorney, Kim Streff. That’s correct, there are no pants here in #malortcourt, or else it is a mistrial. http://t.co/OrQFeM4qqB |
| What our defendants will be sworn in on. #malortcourt http://t.co/NmnNgtsnBK |
| CARGO SHORTS were seen in appearance here at #malortcourt by the only gentleman here. “TAKE THEM OFF” chants ensue. Colton agrees. |
| Honorable Judge Beef has just entered the courtroom. First to read the docket. http://t.co/jxego3F2rg |
| First is Kim v. Miller. Charge is for “sending an ugly picture of me to the GroupMe.” |
| Second is a class action lawsuit against Jackie &; Dyer. Infraction: Sleeping at dinner, violating common etiquette laws. |
| The rest to come in due time. #malortcourt |
| Kim v. Miller, the Case of the Ugly Picture. Miller: “Objection! Kim’s the public defender, she can’t defend me!” |
| Bailiff would like to know what picture we’re talking about. |
| Here is Exhibit A of Miller’s “ass-ugly” faces while playing. #malortcourt http://t.co/IxmPbYlVKM |
| The Judge Honorable Beef has spoken. This “ass ugly” photo will be the GroupMe’s avatar for 48 hours. |
| Miller response to Malort: cough cough |
| Oh shoot. Nobody was sworn in. RETRIAL. DO OVER. MULLIGAN. |
| Swearing on the 11th edition. “I’m not sure what to say now.” #malortcourt http://t.co/i33L9Tgds4 |
| “They both look like liars but I’m going to defend them anyway.” Shady, eh? |
| Please state your name for the court. “Jacqueline Lai.” Is that your real last name? courtroom: “not Li?” |
| “Am I boring you? Do you find this team boring?” IT’S A TRAP! Dyer: “Not everyone.” Honorable Judge Beef: “They sound guilty.” |
| But the funny thing is that your actions seem to suggest that you do! Is it true that at dinner that you two fall asleep. |
| Jackie says, “No.” Dyer says, “I was just closing my eyes. For 10 minutes.” |
| Do you have a dry eye condition that necessitates 10 minutes of eye closing? |
| We don’t know law. “Google it.” #malortcourt |
| Public defender moving to disbar Meagles, Prosecutor. “I’d like to move to NOT.” #malortcourt |
| Judge is now a witness. |
| Counsel taking sidebar. Tennessee has to take a shot of malort for disrespect of #malortcourt’s start time. |
| TN: “It’s like a batch of flies sitting on a dirty diaper.” #malortcourt |
| Counsel sidebar: “We’ve come to a settlement.” Witnesses: “Wait, we didn’t get to defend ourselves.” Judge: “You guys are totally guilty.” |
| Punishment: They have to drink @MonsterEnergy in a corner until the next trial can start. |
| Convo b/w pub. defender &; prosecutor: “It was great working with you again.” “You know what, bc of that, I’ll just let you win the next.” |
| Reminder: Bailiff must be flexing the entire time and have a heavy accent. |
| I’m just telling them to not be idiots to move things along. |
| Ok, focus. You’re in a court of law-ish. |
| Sur v. Patrice &; Hu for missing their flights to Colorado Cup up next. |
| What are your personal organizational skills? “I don’t have any.” |
| You do know that you’re on this team? And you do know that you’re to be attending our tournaments? |
| Defense’s witness: And how did you guys get here this weekend? An airplane. Can you explain more about this airplane. |
| @ashure: “Please state your name for the court” “Alexandra Hu” @allhailcsur: FALSE IT’S QING @ChicagoNemesis #malortcourt |
| Objection: defense is like totally holding their hands. Your honor, they kind of need hand holding. Judge: I agree. |
| Your honor, I’d like to cross examine the witnesses. Even though this isn’t how it really works, the Judge would like to see how this goes. |
| This smartphone - does your phone have a calendar app? an inbox email? do you have both of these things? #malortcourt |
| Then it is fair to say that you are in all of the tools to know when you’re flight departs! AND YET STILL! You managed to miss your flight!! |
| AND BY YOUR OWN ADMISSION YOU CAN’T EVEN KEEP TRACK OF WHEN THINGS ARE DUE |
| and just because I really like saying this, I REST MY CASE! |
| do you, or do you not, have teammates that could have helped you?? Hadel: I FUCKING TRIED. |
| Judge Beef: We have this group called the “pups,” that didn’t help their brethren, even knowing their inabilities to get on the flights. |
| Therefore, ALL of the pups, must take a shot of malort. We need 4 shots for the pups and 1 for the alpha dog. |
| Due to a previous agreement, the Alpha Dog of the pup litter will be shotgunning a beer instead. |
| Hadel: Congratulations, ladies, the nemepups die tonight. #ripYIP |
| It’s like liquid turf burn. It tastes like Beef’s wig. Gasoline. It tastes like I got shampoo in my mouth, which happens a lot by the way. |
| #yipyipYIKES |
| Next case: Allie v. Dobby, infraction: having four QBs in fantasy. |
| This has expanded to a class action suit. |
| Would you please state your name for the court? Dobby. |
| Could you tell me how fantasy football works? Honestly, no. |
| From the jury: “Meagles, do YOU know how fantasy works?” No, that’s why I asked. YOUR HONOR, She’s eating! |
| Did you know that that was not something you do? To be honest, I didn’t know that either. |
| I’m going to say that you’re a good girl and that you just wanted to have fun. Sidebar. |
| Why did you pick these QBs? They were attractive? SHE PICKED PEYTON MANNING . |
| Did it affect your teammates negatively? Or did it affect you negatively? |
| This is a kind-hearted teammate, who just wanted to help out her teammates! And get a little something on the side. |
| It’s confirmed that she’s not guilty, but she will take a half-shot because it’s Dobby. #friendshot |
| Our loser in fantasy will take the ACT. Dobby, get studying. |
| Dobby getting flexed in http://t.co/gS1cMXdcDl |
| The court will now here the team v. Jackie for forgetting the HDMI cord, again. |
| Isn’t this double jeopardy? No such thing in #malortcourt. |
| Do you swear to tell the whole truth, the LOOK AT ME I do. You closed your eyes when you said that, I’m not sure if I believe you. |
| Can you tell me how this team garnered strategy before tournaments? From Beef. What does Beef do to get strategy. She watches stuff. |
| When you were little, a child, did your mother ever take you someplace special? |
| Your honor, I’d like to point out this is a waste of the court’s resource. She was found guilty last year. |
| Is there a reason that the defense can defend before I’m done prosecuting? |
| Did your mother ever promise your something growing up? Do you remember being horrifically disappointed when someone didn’t follow through? |
| Objection: Your childhood has nothing to do with your adulthood. |
| On the verge of tears: I would argue that your childhood has everything to do with your adulthood. Counsel, we’ve talked about this. |
| Can I have some skittles? |
| #malortcourt is separate from all other jurisdictions. There is no law that we can’t try Jackie again for the same crime! |
| Therefore, we’d like Jackie to take another shot of malort. Half shot. Three-quarters shot. |
| Abby Shure has been officially inducted into the Resting Bitch Face. |
| To commemorate, the RBF club has an Abby RBF cake. http://t.co/qekiRVkiCO |
| Let the record show that Jackie’s malort shot tasted like poop. |
| @PulledDisc: It is easier to understand whatever the expletive #malortcourt thing @ChicagoNemesis is doing on twitter than @ESPN3 semis coverage |
| We would periscope, but you know, ESPN rights. |
| Now we will hear Nemesis v. Anne for excessive celebration. And politeness. |
| @madiwerb: @ChicagoNemesis Let the record show that the @wildwestjanes love you guys right now ❤️❤️#jltl #nemelove #dammitpatrice |
| Before I swear you in, I’d like to express my personal disappointment, b/c I was the one who threw the huck &;I wanted you to be in the EZ. |
| Are you disappointed in me or in you? I’m not sure. |
| Before I let the prosecutor badger my witness, I’d like to call in my social worker. I think we may have an insanity case. |
| What is your name? Anne Hemmelgarn. Are you insane? Do you have a diagnosed mental illness? Yes. |
| Who is your doctor? Allie Fish. No, Kristol. Wait, I’m confused. We may have a case here. |
| I’m going to ignore all claims of your insanity because this is how I get my paycheck. That’s not fair. |
| Can you tell me how the game of ultimate is played? Public defender: just sit down and start crying / be confused |
| Does she look confused? http://t.co/g51rUuX2qV |
| Reenactment done by social worker, Allie Fish. WOOOOOOOOOOOO YAHHHHHHHH. |
| The court has come to a decision. We find Anne AND Colton guilty. Why? Not sure. But it doesn’t help that you’re not wearing pants. |
| Anne on malort: “minty. licorice.” She’s crazy. Insane. #malortcourt |
| Kim, that defense did not work! But it was really funny. |
| Next up, the case of The Team vs. Tennessee James. |
| Meagles: I need to recuse myself because he is my husband, so I’d like to be the defense on this case. |
| Please state the charges. The defendant is unaware of the charges. Can you tell us what you were doing on April 19th or 20th of this year? |
| Well I was working in the basement… Oh is that what we’re calling it? |
| Well, while you were “working in the basement”, was anyone else there with you? |
| Maybe. |
| Could you clarify? And who was there with you? Was it Meagles? It might have been. I have a hard time remembering. |
| Let’s say for a sec that it WAS meagles and you were “working” in the basement. |
| And now, 6 months later, huh, well I’d like to call a witness now. |
| Meagles, can you please take the stand? |
| I’d like the witness to remove her sport coat. She is not wearing pants. And I’d like to point out she was not wearing pants in the basement |
| And what is going on in there? I’m creating a future neme-player. |
| And what were you doing in the basement? Working? I prefer, “playing” |
| The Court finds it necessary for you to take a shot for impregnating a player!! #malortcourt |
| So do we find him guilty? |
| On malort: It’s like chewing rubber. |
| Large case coming up. Class action. Several complaints filed. The Team v. Risa (again). #recidivism |
| Risa! No puppy dog face! |
| I KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE TO HAVE A CASE THAT DOESN’T CHANGE. |
| Can you please state your name for the court? Puppy dog face. WE WILL HOLD YOU IN CONTEMPT. |
| Will you tell us the joke I said at lunch? Ok, but what if the entire team just poof disappeared. |
| How would you share this joke with the team? Do you have any sort of technology? I’m not really good with technology. |
| Japanese is my second language. The Japanese love technology! |
| Ok, but when you heard the joke on Southwest, how did you tell us? They don’t let Peter Pan on Southwest b/c he never never lands. |
| OH and it’s in the groupme! So you use the groupme to tell a joke! |
| Wait, but Kim used the groupme to tell a riddle. But that was team related. Well, mine was too. We took Southwest… to nationals… |
| Do you know anyone else who violated the groupme? In my defense, I took screenshots of people who also violated the groupme, too. |
| Let me count. “1, 2, 3, 4, 5,…. and that was only partial of it.” “ESL guys” |
| Let’s hear the actual violations of the groupme. |
| Risa has just brought evidence against JJ &; Carol. #crap #dammit #ISTANDWITHRISA |
| Risa, repeat offender, everyone’s groupme infraction extraordinaire. But, there were violators because the rulebook that was not presented. |
| Because we live in a lawless society. #malortcourt |
| JJ would like to blame @tweetsbytots |
| We would like to have Risa take a single shot, but go on to prosecute the REASON why we did not know what would cause infractions. |
| Repeat offenders ought to be tried with a more serious punishment. A shot nad a half. |
| Risa wants to share with her best friend. Nope. Dyer not having it. DOWN IN ONE. DOWN IN ONE. |
| Risa on Malort: Well, it smells good. |
| JJ, because you’re going to anyway, can you take the next 30 seconds to tell us how awesome your college team was @UMichFlywheel |
| I feel like I’m getting badgered. |
| To discuss @UMichFlywheel on the stand would incriminate me because the groupme handbook originated with Flywheel. |
| @VickiChang28 and @kgoblue42 were constant perpetrators of the GroupMe. They would send long texts. They violated pretty much every rule. |
| The rulebook was created by myself and Rebecca C. Moore. |
| And when you joined Nemesis (in 2013), was there a GroupMe that everyone was on? Well, it wasn’t active. |
| Why did we start the groupme? To disseminate important information. |
| So in 2013, you sent out the handbook so everyone would know how to use the groupme. No. |
| Oh? Well, we were mostly scared of everyone on the team. So we really just talked to each other. |
| So never in 2013, did you ever reference the groupme handbook rules? That’s a f***ing lie!! You weren’t on the 2013 GroupMe! Ok, rewind. |
| That was a f***ing lie. Your honor, we’re living in a lawless society. |
| Wait, judge, @tweetsbytots promised to update the handbook for Nemesis. And then @tweetsbytots left, so I can’t fully be blamed. |
| Also, @tweetsbytots owns the rights to the google handbook. |
| I do believe that is the end of #malortcourt. |
| Wait, what happened to Beef’s charge for trespassing. Ohh… we don’t have enough time. |
| Can you confirm that my apartment was sparsely decorated &; lacking of a feminine touch? She lives in a tent. Her “apartment” was an AirBNB |
| What happened to Carol’s infraction? Well, in a lawless society, some things slip through the crack. |
| And with that, #malortcourt is adjourned until 2016. Now, we are off to cheer on our boys @MachineUltimate in the semis! #rowdygirls |
2016
| The citizens of NemeWorld have spoken. Indictments have been made and to get to a sweet 16, play in games are underway. #malortcourt |
| We have 16 Risa (public indecency &; corruption) vs. 17 Swaggy P (never fucking pulling her pants up). Who will move on? #malortcourt |
| 15 Bradley (for excessive use of #jacksheyisbae) vs 18 Dobby (disorderly conduct &; gratuitous bidding) #malortcourt |
| We feel that the people should maybe have a say in this too. No promises your say will mean anything. Guess that’s how #malort court goes. |
| @RisaLisa26 @jenni_jean93 Risa! We all know that #malortcourt is a fair and just institution. Never rigged, never made up! |
| thanks for all the #sizzlereels @FulcrumPro! ❤️ (any chance you’ve got a spotify playlist of the songs from all of them? they’re great!) |
| TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT. |
| NEMMY’S AWARD SHOW. MALORT COURT. ALL IN ONE NIGHT. OMG. |
| For those in Chicago, join us for the #Nemmys After-Party @Zella_Chicago (1983 N. Clybourn). Doors open to the public at 10PM. |
| If you’re lucky (and on time), you may catch the end of #MalortCourt… see justice live and in action! |
| Speaking of which, @kurtegibson, FYI you may be a key witness in one of our cases &; called to the stand. Please be available at any moment. |
| Prosecutor has arrived. #malortcourt starting shortly. Hold on to the edge of your seats. Grab some popcorn. It’s going to be a good show. |
| Confirmed. Prosecutor still does not wear pants in #malortcourt. |
| ALL RISE. Honorable Judge Sara Miller entering the courtroom. |
| “do we clap?” #malortcourt |
| “I am seated.” #malortcourt |
| First, we call our first defendant, Spitz, or her representation. |
| MC, brave soul, is now getting flexed in. |
| I am here on behalf of Spitz. SHe didn’t know the event was happening tonight. She’s been charged with the case of ignorance. |
| That’s a difficult thing to be charged with, because ignorance is unknowing. SO HOW WAS SHE SUPPOSED TO KNOW SHE WAS BEING CHARGED? |
| i believe she should be reconsidered BECAUSE of her ignorance. Think about it. #malortcourt |
| Side bar - I think generally prosecution goes first, but I guess defense is starting first. |
| Ignorance is bliss. I would rather live in a situation in that, where she’s working so hard to know other things &; be ok not knowing stuff |
| Prosecutor Meagles: thank you for proving my case. But I’d like to call a witness and that witness is myself. |
| Swearing in on @USAUltimate’s 11th edition rules #malortcourt |
| .@Meagles000: “So I’m a bit of a celebrity and it turns out one of my own teammates didn’t know I was a celebrity.” |
| Objection: Leading the witness!!! |
| Response: I mean, just talk a little bit. |
| Objection! Relevance! Overruled. |
| “I was really disturbed to find that the circle of ppl I love the most… someone managed to still not know who I was.” |
| .@Meagles000 is currently questioning herself. “It can be tough living in the public eye. I often get stopped at Whole foods.” |
| “I think she should take a shot of malort and video it for all of us to remember forever.” |
| MC is now questioning @Meagles000, “can you restate your name for the court, as you already have done?” |
| “But you should know who I am, because I am a celebrity.” |
| “I rest my case.” “That was confusing.” “Guilty as charged.” |
| MC’s take on #malort: “Dirty Laundry.” |
| Next case. The People v. Risa for the usual crime of abusing the groupme. Getting flexed in now. |
| Ma’am is someone representing you? Allie might. |
| “Can I first say that I love @Meagles000?” “STOP BUYING THE COURT.” |
| Defendant’s counsel: “less is more… less is more!” |
| Prosecution: It seems that we find ourselves in this situation every year… |
| Are you aware of the phrase “a stitch in time saves nine?” No. |
| Can you tell us how many shots you took the first year of #malortcourt? Zero. |
| IT seems that #malortcourt was derelict in administering justice, as abuses continue. |
| Can you tell us why you’re here on the stand today? Maybe, I mean yes. |
| Apparently I asked, “What’s your paypal?” To whom? To Emily Hadel. |
| So you used the direct message function to ask Hadel for her paypal? Objection! Relevance! Overruled. |
| Yes. I mean No. |
| So you asked a question to a single person across allllllll of groupme. Everyone saw that question. Yes…. Ah. |
| It is my believe that if we charged Risa for her infractions that we would not be in this situation today. |
| Risa: I don’t think my infraction was the same in 2014! |
| Smiliest defendant https://t.co/k2vuIMSTGT |
| Risa: puppy dog face |
| Risa’s defense, Allie FIsh: “So you did write this message to Emily Hadel to the whole groupme. What was the purpose?” |
| I don’t really care about the purpose. I really just want Risa to take a shot of #malort. Definitely not an unbiased stenographer here. |
| Defense rests its case. Prosecution calls Emily Hadel to the stand. |
| Ms. Hadel, were you about to go into debt? No. So Risa trying to help you not go into debt is a falsehood. |
| Hadel terse, concise, professional https://t.co/KJDTvFBuyo |
| Some unclear questions here. Which tend to lead to unclear answer. Defense: “she doesn’t know!” |
| Do you have multiple email addresses? No. |
| Wait, you don’t have multiple email addresses? No. What about work? No. Dammit Risa. |
| Risa back on the stand. Can you say, honestly, that you can contain yourself next year? no response I rest my case! |
| And the crowd goes wild |
| Risa found guilty for her infraction, particularly for being a repeat offender. |
| Risa trying to sip malort right now. Bad idea. |
| Risa’s take: “it wasn’t bad for the first second, it was minty, but too minty?” Judge Miller: no…. |
| Next up, JJ for Excessive Meme Creation #malortcourt |
| JJ here is defending herself. Guess no one wanted to defend her. |
| Do you know how many memes you sent to the team? Yes. 36. |
| I think it’s safe to say that more than half of memes on the groupme were from you. I would say that it is maybe potentially possible. |
| SWAG SENT ONE TWICE. |
| Evidence getting submitted to the court. How many is too many memes? So I google searched, “how many is too many?” |
| “…and you once memed twice in a row” 🔥🔥🔥 |
| THe first result was from GQ UK about the number of sexual partners. If the court would allow me some leeway. |
| Objection: rambling. |
| I’m not sure where the prosecution is going with this GQ article. |
| If the court would allow me some more latitude… |
| I would like to replace the word “sex” with “memes” - Prosecution re-reads article with this replacement. |
| There are memes I regret. There are memes I am ashamed of. There are memes I cannot remember. |
| I ask you JJ, could you name all 36 of your memes? |
| THERE’S AN 80% CHANCE THAT I COULD. Go ahead. |
| IF YOU CAN’T NAME THEM, THEY ARE MEMES THAT YOU CAN’T REMEMBER. |
| JJ’s defense, is herself. She is questioning herself as the witness. |
| “Have you learned your lesson?” “Yes, no more memes from me.” |
| Prosecution: “SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP” |
| Judge: “Counsel, please approach the bench.” |
| Something’s happening. maybe a deal?! #malortcourt |
| Clean deal has been accepted. JJ will take 2 shots of something other than #malort. |
| THIS IS BLASPHEMY. |
| Apparently this is what defending yourself means these days https://t.co/RXXJ19oB3v |
| also punishing the Queen of Hearts, for excessive favorites. Abby’s gotta take a shot too. |
| Last case of the night. Fr the crime of ignorance of the acronym that is BAE. |
| Damn our biceps look good. #flexin |
| Bradley is defending herself for not knowing what bae meant, even with the excessive use of #jacksheyisbae |
| Oh btw, new hashtag! #SadlyBradley! |
| Overheard from the bartender: “A bunch of dudes would never do this. This is entertaining!” |
| Can you tell the court what you thought bae meant? #SadlyBradley |
| I thought it was short for “baby.” #SadlyBradley |
| What was the acronym for? “Before ANyone else.” Is that not a term of endearment? So you thought it was a term of endearment and it was! |
| You sent out a song for MILF money… can you explain what MILF is? |
| What does MILF stand for? |
| Mother I’d Like To…….. |
| for the PG twitterverse…. Fondle. Yikes. |
| SO you’ve shown to the court that you’re really good at acronyms |
| Judge Miller seems in the defendant’s pocket https://t.co/pQYTB4HLfT |
| So BAE shouldn’t have been so difficult to understand |
| Defense is now citing a @TIME article about what BAE means. #SadlyBradley |
| This is the article, if you were wondering: https://t.co/CBHzSa5u2d |
| CASE DISMISSED. |
| Abby’s take: GASOLINE. Miller’s take: Rubber bands. |
| #MalortCourt is adjourned. |
2017
| Order! Order to the #MalortCourt. It’s beginning. We must thorougly prosecute such crimes to maintain a Nemeworld of peace &; fairness. |
| #MalortCourt Secretary Duff signing in… |
| Court is 28 min delayed and counting.. #MalortCourt |
| Judge Miller calls order in the court #MalortCourt |
| Sgnoles is first on the docket defending herself against apathetic warmup leading #MalortCourt |
| Prosecuting Attorneys Fish n’ Shure stepping in to question the defendant. Not looking good for Sgnoles…. “uhhhh…. up” #MalortCourt |
| Defending Attorney Li is calling, Skimberly Fiona, as a character witness #MalortCourt “Skim… don’t screw me.” - Sgnoles |
| Questioning the character of the character witness. I think we all see where this is going NO HELMET. NO SENSE… #MalorCourt |
| Prosecution offers a plea deal. Sgnoles looks panicked.. Judge Miller calls silence in the court to announce her final decision #MalortCourt |
| Win for the prosecution. Judge Miller sentences Sgnoles to the Up/Down rule and a shot of malort #MalortCourt |
| Next on the docket is Judge Miller herself (Judge Hadel stepping in) She’s being prosecuted for not joining the team throwing Slack channel |
| New evidence is being introduced. Miller has been shown to be asking outside the slack about workouts #timeIsPrecious #MalortCourt |
| Miller has been sentenced to a shot of malort! #MalortCourt |
| Next up is Risa. #isLikeIveNeverBeenHereBefore |
| #someGetThisGilrABeer #MalortCourt |
| #noButIAm #MalortCourt |
| Defending Attorney Daviess calling her first witness, KDO #OhFuckCalled #MalortCourt |
| Line of questioning by @bcdaviess seems questionable but Judge Miller allows it #layingTheFoundation #whereIsThisGoing |
| Risa trying to swear in a second time… #itsLikeShesNeverBeenHereBefore #MalortCourt |
| “She’s a repeat offender!” “BECAUSE IM ALWAYS CONFUSED” #nemewho |
| “I’ve got lots of witnesses to show I’m always confused” Risa pleads guilty #MalortCourt #bestDefenseIsNone #shots |
| This court is rowdy af #theJudgeIsDrunk |
| We got a citation for BIG BOOTY JUDY |
| This was a joint submission against @annaVthorn for sitting on the styrofoam cooler and breaking it. |
| An additional drinking ticket to Mons for only buying 4 @MonsterEnergy drinks for the entire TEAM. #crime |
| Citation for Sur for asking what candies should be included in the candy bracket and then NEVER HOLDING ONE. #FULLSHOT CHEERS ENSUE |
| Several citations have gone to KDO for not using the slack properly. But I will add, NO RULES NO CRIME. |
| Citations are great. People can’t defend themselves. #MalortCourt #IsntFair |
| Coach Hack is now called to the stand for not ever being on the NemeSlack. |
| Hack swearing in “Oh just the new testament. Good. cuz the old testament. I”m not down with that" |
| To Attorney Shure, “No offense.” #MalortCourt |
| “I hear you like twitter, is that true?” “Yes, that’s true.” “Can you read all the apps on your phone… ok you have Tumblr” |
| Jules agreeing emphatically that Slack is the team method of communicating #DoNotReplyAll |
| KDO defending Hack and killing it #howOldAreYou |
| “Risa, what do we talk about on the Slack?” #isThisARoast #MalortCourt |
| “I have a cloud but I can’t find it” - Coach @lindseyhack, ladies and gentlemen #GenX #Xtennials #MalortCourt #herNannyIsASoftwareEngineer |
| “Don’t tell me how to do my job” - Judge Miller #MalortCourt |
| “Motion to throw co-party under the bus” @carolli32 “JJ we need a Slack handbook” #tellThePeopleHowToLiveTheirLives |
| Plea deal offered to JJ of butterscotch liquor. Carol Li charged with a full sentence of a full shot of malort #MalortCourt |
| Sipp and Hadel on the stand for who knows what at this point.. #MalortCourt |
| They’re being charged for incorrect walking #MalortCourt #SippCanCountTo25 |
| @carolli32 defending #Sipel motion to #takeItToTheStreets |
| Judge Miller - “I have to pee” #unannouncedRecess |
| Galaxy getting flexed in #MalortCourt |
| “How many people have you indicted to #MalortCourt?” #irrelevant |
| Prosecutor Fish, “I have to pee” #thisCourtIsDrunk #MalortCourt |
| Judge Miller “Get to the point” #MalortCourt |
| Moral of this story, #OPP is corrupt #MalortCourt |
| CAN WE MAKE A RULING ALREADY?!? #teamShots #MalortCourt |
| “Just give her the shot. idk.” -DJ Dye Dogg #DaiquiriDeck |
| “I would like to abstain… I am drunk.” #expertWitness @_csur #MalortCourt |
| “Poor my shot” #Sipel |
| #MalortCourt is now adjourned |
2018
| Emergency Hearing in #MalortCourt https://t.co/tdVlKSCX5o |
| Bringing #magicmightymadMon to court. “I can’t be there on Saturday night” is no excuse for #MalortCourt. |
| Two charges against Mons: Count 1 for stating “I have never had malort before” — guilty |
| Count two: FOR LEAVING NATIONALS EARLY AND CANT PARTY W HER TEAM “Why do you play the sport of ultimate?” “Because I love my teammates” “OH, Interesting. When someone loves someone, do you enjoy spending time with them?” GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY https://t.co/8d1u40DB2M |
| Continuance for later tonight. Follow us for the 2018 edition of #MalortCourt. We don’t tolerate shenanigans here and you will be held accountable. #guilty #guilty # guilty |
| While #malortcourt is in recess, want to take a second to s/o my neme-teammates for a wonderful season. You ladies are an inspiration and it’s been a pleasure. (Please don’t make me malort…) 😈❤️ |
| @PhillyAMP Who made this sign let’s take them to #malortcourt |
| @rprasad5: @ChicagoNemesis cheering section this AM! https://t.co/MNigCJpG3T |
| Rips*…. autocorrect, amiright? |
| @PhillyAMP: @ChicagoNemesis I want to go to #malortcourt |
| #MalortCourt is a court of vengeance, not a court of justice. Puhlease. |
| ALL RISE for the Honorable Judge Sara Miller. #MalortCourt |
| Prosecutors Allie &; Abby: We thought that our legal cases weren’t enough last year. This year, we have citations as well. And you can’t argue them. So tough. |
| Real quick s/o to Mons for taking two malort shots before 11am this morning. |
| Multiple citations against Cassie: #1. Thinks she’s good at parallel parking, enters vehicle front first. #2. NOT WEARING A BIKE HELMET. Cassie, we know you’re studying abroad rn. Get ready for the Nemmy’s. We will get you. |
| court stenographer carol li is called up for citation… standby steno jj on the twitter |
| carol cited for doing keg stands and shotgunning beers without nemesis #partycarol #shesguilty |
| For THORN, for not coming to pod |
| this is jj again, carol got another citation for leaving ESC early even though she already had a job #antipartycarol |
| Square drinks her malort without hearing her charge. She knows she’s guilty. |
| Ok big case #1 coming up. Nemesis v. Anna &; JJ. Overarching charge: lack of professionalism. The entire D line has been called up as witnesses. We are not flexing them each in individually. |
| Ok big case #1 coming up. Nemesis v. Anna &; JJ. Overarching charge: lack of professionalism. The entire D line has been called up as witnesses. We are not flexing them each in individually. |
| Our prosecutors tonight for #MalortCourt https://t.co/rAX13vA0C2 |
| “Have you ever heard the use of a pet name at practice?” Let the record show “YEA” was answered across the board. #MalortCourt |
| JJ, co-defendant #1 called up to the stand. “How long have you been dating this person on Nemesis?” “Well that’s a complicated question.” Oh boy someone is in trouble!!! |
| “Well this situation could have been avoided if we weren’t on the same line.” Prosecutor Abby: “And exactly what situation are we talking about” GOT ’EM!!!!! #MalortCourt |
| Defendants are ready to present their defense. They are first calling Risa to the stand. INTERESTING MOVE. YIKES. I personally would just take the guilty plea. #MalortCourt |
| JJ: “Risa, have I ever called you ‘Risa babe’ on the field” “yes.” JJ: “Beth, has Anna ever called you ‘Bethie-babe’ on the field?” “Yes.” |
| Anna has now presented the 14th Amendment’s Equal Protection Clause. DAMN SHE HAS A CASE. YIKEESSSS |
| OH AND JJ JUST THREW ANNA UNDER THE BUS FOR NEVER BEING ABLE TO HEAR HER NAME ON THE FIELD |
| The judge has deliberated. One shot of malort each. Precedent set: Don’t use pet names @ prac. |
| Second round of citations up now. Risa up first. Something about picking out dances we can’t learn because they’re too complicated. |
| MK taking a shot for this nemewho: “I was kind of a big deal in college.” Yeah, that was her. @fightingfetuses #MalortCourt |
| Next citation for Skim hurting herself in IM VOLLEYBALL RIGHT BEFORE NATIONALS @NUTultimate @GungHoUltimate how could you let this happen. But it’s ok she got a massive layout D today and I’m so proud of her and she’s just fine. #MalortCourt |
| Someone hurt Hadel’s feelings and that is NOT OK WHO DID IT I’M GONNA FIND YOU #MALORTCOURT |
| Case #2. Nemesis v. Liz, for always being late and having no repercussions. “Well, #MalortCourt, that is the repercussion.” |
| oh no there’s some drama prosecutor allie v. prosecutor abby. this is great. pass the popcorn. |
| Captain Sipp called to the stand to establish when most practices begin and what the expectations are. It is expected that we have sunscreened, taped, eaten, pooped, everything. #MalortCourt |
| Schram flexed in as a witness. “Can you tell us what your role was on Nemesis?” “I was a practice player.” real quick snaps for prac players real quick snaps for mon’s two shots of malort real quick snaps for sipp’s endzone d real quick snaps for foster’s bingoals |
| Schram was injured on August 12th (her bday, sad, but don’t you forget it). But post-injury, it has been established that 85% of the time, she arrives at practice at 8:45 because practice starts at 9, 85% of the time. She was always at practice on time, despite injury. |
| Liz on the stand now. I don’t know why we’re questioning her. Look at her. She looks guilty. But maybe everyone looks guilty here in #MalortCourt. |
| Liz, I’d just take the shot. Your case don’t look good. |
| Oh but here we are. We’re still questioning. “What are the qualities of a good teammate.” “Well, they are welcoming.” “But how do you welcome someone if you’re not there?” “Well, they should be welcoming me when I arrive.” A point has been made. |
| Liz attempts to present her defense “It’s Lizness time.” Judge won’t allow it. But Liz proceeds anyway. Because #MalortCourt has no order. |
| Liz calls Sipp to the stand. “What time were we supposed to be cleated and ready for the biggest tournament of our season?” “7:45” “Was everyone ready and cleated at 7:45?” MIC DROP OMG THE PROSECUTION’S CASE IS FALLING APART |
| Jessi called to the stand. Liz: “Do you think that I should have had to have watched you participate in 4-lines drill?” Jessi: “If I have to participate in 4-lines, I think you have to watch.” #WorthATry #MalortCourt |
| Liz has appeared to sway the jury. Also some points were made that I can’t share here. OMG. |
| Liz serves her punishment, but she also brings up a few other teammates who were late through the #honorsystem. HAHHHHHh there’s no honor system at #MalortCourt y’all fell for it. |
| Citation for Abby: For all you did right, you did one (huge) wrong. In organizing rides back to the airport, you FORGOT Captain Sipp, but left a spot for “a boy?” (Yiding?). Unbelievable. @MachineUltimate |
| Jenni taken to #MalortCourt FOR FREAKING FORGETTING HER CLEATS TO THE BIGGEST TOURNAMENT OF THE YEAR R U KIDDIN ME |
| Sipp taken to #MalortCourt for having the WORST practice attendance of the season!!! Wow, this was a huge power move. N.B. she did attend like pretty much everything else. |
| Jessi taken to #MalortCourt for…… liking malort?!?!?! what a weirdo. |
| And final citation to (Darling Diva) DANGER DANKS for LOSING HER CLEATS almost twice, but definitely once. Thanks @oshadega and @ndultimate and @carolli32 for getting them back to her. #MalortCourt |
| Final (I think) case of the night. O-line vs. Christina Sur. |
| Prosecutor: Sur. How are you feeling? Body-wise. Sur: Like complete ass. Prosecutor: Who taught you how to ride a bike? Sur: My dad. |
| P: When your dad taught you how to ride a bike, what protective gear did he have you wear? Sur: Helmet, knee pads, wrist guards… P: And why do you think your dad had you wear all this protective gear, just for looks? Sur: There are a lot of cute pics of me. |
| P: Sur, can you ride your bike with no hands? Sur: Yes…. as long as there are not potholes. It should be noted that Chicago streets are… not in the best condition. |
| Injuries sustained by Sur while not wearing a helmet while biking and deciding to save her coffee and flip over her bike handlebars when approaching a pothole while biking. Kids following at home, wear a helmet &; also maybe shoulder pads and knee pads while biking. Safety first!! |
| P: Ok. How are you hamstrings feeling? Sur: Not great. P: Do you play kickball during your nemesis season? Sur: While playing kickball, was your hamstring injured? Did your hamstring injury affect your ability to practice? |
| Sur, literally, the jury is telling you to plead the 5th. |
| Sur: “Is now the time I’m supposed to plead insanity?” |
| Oh, prosecution’s case has taken a new turn. If kickball injured your hamstrings, and you actively recruited other teammates to play on your kickball team, you actively endangered your teammates. #KickballGate #MalortCourt |
| Sur is going to attempt to make her case thru an insanity plea for making dumb choices over the past 4 seasons. Some advice: “Talk less, smile more” #MalortCourt |
| “I think you’re confusing insanity and stupidity” Zing. |
| Finally. Sur’s closing statement: “Can I just take my shot?” YES THX FINALLY #MalortCourt |
| And that wraps up #MalortCourt for 2018. Prosecution has rested their cases against all guilty parties. There’s no bias here, except that everyone is guilty. We will find you, always. Love, #MalortCourt. |
PT II
| the flexing in. #malortcourtpt2 https://t.co/I50XyBh6KA |
| first citation: telling everyone she was good at parallel parking but entered the space forward first |
| second citation: not wearing helmet while biking with headphones in |
| the defendant may get to choose her punishment???? https://t.co/xuuhIf8iW5 |
| a shot of malort, ORRRR the defendant gets to eat the beans from beanboozled. counsel has approached the bench https://t.co/zhyO4TaELv |
| takes the shot. says it tastes like burnt rubber https://t.co/lA3nswwTcO |
| OMG malort court plea: cassie can either eat all the beanboozled beans by 11 pm OR learn a new @TheFitMarshall dance before 11 pm (that we do not already know as a team) and dance at 11 pm!!! |
| THE DEFENDANT HAS SELECTED LEARNING A NEW @TheFitMarshall DANCE AT 11 PM |
| stay tuned, obviously this will be recorded. #malortcourt #justice |
Links: Source code, tweets and pics 😊